There is an interesting thing that happens when one is single for a while.  The experience of longing becomes the norm.  I was a longing junkie.  This didn’t happen just from my periods of being single.  I spent most of my childhood longing for a loving responsible father, so the feeling of longing and love in my psyche were deeply interlinked.

When I was single, I would look at couples and long for what they had. I felt jealous, a deep ache inside, a visual reminder of what was missing in my world.  I walked around with this feeling of lack and longing for a beautiful relationship that I wondered was ever possible for me.

I believe that our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs create a strong energy that either attracts or repels experiences.  When we long for a loving partner, we often attract more experiences and feelings of longing. 
Pretend you have a pencil in your hand that you are holding, you don’t want it, or long for it, or miss it, you simply have it.  If you want to expedite your process of finding your true love, use the pencil as an example. The feeling of having a pencil is the same energy of having that you want to embody around love.  Don’t get me wrong here, I am not saying a pencil is like having a partner, but I am using the pencil as an example of the ease, trust, and lack of a sense of longing that occurs when what we want is at the touch of our fingertips.

Stewing in the experience of longing is risky. Instead of associating love with love, you will associate love with longing.  I know I unconsciously stewed my first 25 years in the experience of longing for a loving father.  Having a healthy love relationship mostly does not feel like longing, it feels like having.  What can happen when one thinks that love = longing, is that one attracts and loves unavailable people.  And thus the feeling of longing, is a endless cycle of pain and frustration.  This is exhausting and unfulfilling.  ​

So how do you get into the experience of having love you ask?

Brilliant question.:)  This takes some intention, consciousness, and play.  

Here is my 4 step process to get into the experience of having LOVE:  
1. Every morning when you wake up imagine being with a loving partner, imagine the person is there holding you, saying loving words, caressing you, bringing you flowers, and showing up for you.  As you see this happening, I want you to really feel this in every single cell in your body as if it is happening presently.  Smile and breathe deep into this vision.  Relax into this experience of having what you want.  Even though it is in your imagination right now, you are feeling the feelings of having and this is what is most important.  You are cultivating an energy of having love.

2.  Throughout your day when you notice someone doing a loving thing for you, like holding the door for you, paying for your lunch, letting you go ahead of them in line, complimenting you, hugging you, etc.  Really really take it in.  Let yourself really fully receive this loving act completely, and let yourself really notice how you are in the experience of having love.  Let this loving act multiply and expand inside of you.

3. Ask yourself, is there an important person in your childhood, who you constantly longed for love and attention from? Did you long for love from you dad? Your mom? Your sibling?  Was there a way that you grew up feeling like there was this love that was not being given- that was so close yet far away?  If so, your inner child inside needs some love and attention.  Take a moment everyday and place your hand on your heart and imagine your young child inside that wanted that love from that person.  And take a moment and imagine another loving adult giving your inner child the love and attention and care that you needed. Take that in.  Let yourself fully immerse yourself in this image of your inner child getting that love that it wanted.  Let yourself feel all of the feelings that come with that.  Breathe.

Do these 3 steps and watch how your life begins to blossom with more love, kindness, and receiving.  Everyday you will have more and more of the love you desire - instead of longing for it.

If you are single and dating, and feeling stuck or frustrated with the process of attracting a relationship that is healthy, happy, and satisfying, there is a good chance you have an outdated, destructive and/or toxic dating pattern that is getting in the way.

What is a toxic dating pattern, you ask?

It's a pattern that you do over and over again and get the same frustrating and painful result. Here are the most common toxic dating patterns I see in my practice:
#1 Dating someone who is unavailable
#2 Giving up at online dating or dating in general too quickly and then feeling like dating doesn't work for you
#3 Attracting someone who doesn't give you what you need in a relationship and working hard to earn their love
#4 Getting attached and invested too quickly, and then the relationship ending and feeling disappointed 
#5 Choosing someone that is really into you but that you are not into and so you end up feeling unhappy in the relationship

Maybe you see yourself in one or two of the patterns above, or a combination of them.  What is important is identifying the pattern that keeps showing up in your dating life and taking a stand to shift it.  Usually these patterns are operating on an unconscious level of awareness.  The more you bring the pattern to consciousness, the more there is a possibility of creating something new instead.  So what do you do once you identify the pattern?

1. Work with a Dating Coach, therapist, or mentor.   By having this person as your guide you will co-create a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship in your life, much like you do in a romantic relationship.  This will create a new paradigm of healthy love in your life. In addition,  you will have an expert help you unwind the pattern and choose something different.
2. Take a stand.  Have a commitment ceremony with yourself or others where you commit to breaking these patterns once and for all! Tell your friends and family that you have this pattern and that you ask for their help and support in shifting it.
3. Notice the people in your life who have healthy relationships.  Ask them, what are your beliefs about the opposite sex, dating, and relationships? Also, ask them for specific advice about how to shift your toxic pattern.
4. Identify where the pattern originated  and what you would have to believe about yourself to attract something different.  For example, a belief might be "I always attract unavailable men" and you could instead  choose to believe "I attract loving healthy men who are available for committed partnership."
5. Use affirmations to anchor in the new belief.  Post the affirmations in your house, on your mirror, in your car.  Some affirmations I use with my clients are: I deserve healthy and fulfilling love.  I am worthy of love. I am great, he's great, I allow myself to let the relationship to unfold.  Time will tell.  I allow myself to receive more than I have ever experienced before in a love relationship.

Also, remember, you are not alone in having toxic dating patterns, it is very common, and the more you bring compassion and love to yourself, you will heal whatever is getting in the way of breaking your pattern.  

With the help of a coach, therapist, and/or mentor, positive thoughts and beliefs, support from your community - You can call in the happiest and most fulfilling romantic relationship of your life!